This is where I moan about stuff. Mostly music.

What has been wrong with me recently

WritingsPosted by Roadbloc Mon, December 05, 2016 12:18:35

I'm going to be writing from the heart here. Not exactly an easy thing for me to do. I usually wrap my heart in bubble-wrap and forget it exists. But one thing is for sure, I cannot continue the way I am doing. I'm actually trembling as I write this. This is a hard post to make.

The first thing to be clear about is don't worry about The Mystery of Robot Planet, my video game project. Progress, albeit slow, is happening, and with continued work there will deffo be something to show from it all in a couple of years time. I will say though, writing a video game is harder than I expected. Much harder than writing a book. I didn't realise how much work is involved when you're the only person working on a video game. I should have, I'm a big fan of video games and have always been developing things on and off, but when you're romanticising an idea in your head it is easy to overlook things. Either way, the development TMORP should not be effected.

The real issue, is that I've been increasingly uncomfortable in my own body. After nearly 24 years of being generally okay with being male and straight, my feelings have done a random u-turn, something I didn't think was really possible. At first I thought I was just getting depressed or something. I'd just come back from a great holiday and once again found myself in my day job that isn't exactly the most thrilling thing on this planet. I figured a couple of weeks back into my sad old routine and I'd be back to normal.

That, regretfully, was not the case.

I found my mind slipping into a constant thought cycle of how shit I thought I was. I hated my appearance all of sudden. I mean, I know I'm not exactly the best looking person ever and I've always been okay with that, I wouldn't want to be Mr Universe, especially not now anyways. But I never actively hated the way I looked, I actually never cared before. Well now it seems I do. I care. I care so much.

Jealousy is an emotion I've never recognise at first. It usually just makes me angry but it takes me a while to figure out it’s actually jealousy's doing. And after a few days I realised why I was getting jealous around girls. It wasn't because I wanted to sleep with them or whatever. I was jealous of their clothes and their make-up. I wanted to look just as great as them. When I figured this out I think I laughed for about ten minutes. A year ago, thinking such things would have been laughable. Hence why I laughed. It wasn't a happy laugh. It was a 'what-the-fuck-is-happening-to-me?' laugh. I didn’t recognise myself anymore and it felt truly awful.

Then there was the attraction to guys. All of a sudden I’d be going weak at the knees (I know right) at the sight of some. Some nights I’d be laughing at the madness of it all. Other nights I’d be crying. Other nights I’d just want to destroy stuff (thank you Doom 4). I’d be hot and then cold. Angry then sad then back to angry again. It was safe to say my head was a mess.

I understand I’m speaking in past tense here, like it is all behind me or something. But it isn’t. It really isn’t. If anything, it has only just started. But one thing is for sure, I cannot live the lie I currently am doing. It is time I admitted my issues to the world.

There is no way I can continue to identify as a guy anymore. Or at least at the moment. Local rumours have been spreading or at least according to one of my mates they have and it isn’t surprising to why (not that I care what they’re saying or thinking). My behaviour as of late has no doubt baffled them who haven’t figured it out yet. Strange bitflipping moods, weird and suggestive facebook posts and the silences/verbal abuse that followed peoples questions. I’m sorry okay. I’m sorry to you all that I’ve berated or confused or whatever. And lied to. I don’t mean it and I really need to stop abusing those close to me in times like this because the reality is I need you all more than ever. Please forgive me.

How long I will be like this is also a mystery. I’m consciously aware that since I’ve recently u-turned, it is theoretically possible that it could happen again. I’m hoping not despite everything. I don’t want to go through this again.

If you read this page and a half of rambling nonsense, thanks I guess and I hope you understand.

TL;DR. I wanna be a girl now. Also I’m bisexual. Get over it.

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Video Game Project

WritingsPosted by Roadbloc Sat, May 21, 2016 11:38:24
As of today I will be winding down my writing projects to focus on a video game project I've been working on and off on for a while now. I've spent the last six months writing a game engine in my spare time and now I need to make some actual game content for it.

The game is to be an adventure game, sort of a spiritual successor to the 90s point and click adventure games in a gameboy-esske visual style. I'm hoping to have three separate campaigns available to players depending on the choices they make within the game.

Whereas I've written several video games before, they were shit and often badly planned. Or just crazy text adventures that nobody would play. Since I have three books published now and have always wanted to try my hand at video games, I've decided now is the time. I'm going to finally fulfill my dream of making a video game.

Expected release year is 2018. It is going to take a long time to create all the content needed. Coding an engine is just the start of it, now is the time for the creation of art assets, sound and music files and data files for the engine to work on. I'm determined to make it a quality product, even if it does have an old-school vibe to it. At the end of the day, a AAA publisher could shit out what I'm doing in a week probably. But since I'm by myself on this (none of my friends seem interested in helping create it with me which is a shame), it'll take me a while to make. Once again, I'll need patience and determination. And once again, I'll be working pretty much full-time throughout all this.

I'm hoping it'll be good enough to sell on Steam. I'll probably have to put it through Greenlight where the rest of the games nobody asked for belong. I'll make it cheap though, I think £3-£5 is a reasonable price, especially if the three separate campaigns idea works out. We'll see.

The engine is pretty much complete although some features will be fleshed out and expanded upon. If you want to see a playable demo I created, click here. It is a short campaign demonstrating the engine features and player mechanics and is comprised of twelve maps. Make sure you read the thread first though. :)


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One Brain Cell + Website 3.0

WritingsPosted by Roadbloc Tue, February 16, 2016 19:12:10
A few announcements. First, my next book, ONE BRAIN CELL is now available for pre-order. Digital copies as always are 69p (99c) and it is to be released on many many ebook services (pretty much them all except Google Books) on the 31st of March 2016. Physical copies are in the works and hopefully will be available the same day.

Second announcement; the third redesign of my website is now live. It sports a much more simple and better looking design. I'd say check it out, but honestly, it isn't much.

Finally its been a while since I've updated my blog. Been quite busy writing One Brain Cell recently, however I have a few albums in mind I can rant about next. Watch this space. :)

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Death and the NHS

WritingsPosted by Roadbloc Mon, April 13, 2015 09:03:19
A bit morbid, but one week ago I was dying. If it wasn't for the NHS, I'd be dead right now. People love to bitch on the NHS and claim their apparent uselessness, I heard plenty of it from other patents in the hospital. But in reality, despite their flaws and lack of funds, I think they're doing an amazing job.

People who critizise the NHS annoy me. Sure, there are issues, things that can be improved, mistakes that slip through the cracks, there always will be. But I would like people to bare in mind next time they think of slagging off the NHS that pretty much no other country has such an awesome system as this. The NHS fixed me up and I didn't have to pay a single penny. That wouldn't happen in most developed countries, America especially, who are still flipping out over the whole Obamacare thing. We are lucky to have the NHS and honestly, with all the abuse it seems to get, I'm not sure if we fully appreciate it. I'd go as far as to say, maybe, we don't deserve it.

My point is, NHS cannot and probably never will be perfect. Not with the current state of the economy and the ever spiraling costs of healthcare. If you're that concerned of your health and feel the NHS aren't doing you justice, go private like the rest of the world HAS to. Be grateful that we have at least the choice state provided healthcare. The majority of the world are not so lucky.

That is all. I'll return to ranting about musics and vidya gamze soon. :)

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Long time, no post :O

WritingsPosted by Roadbloc Fri, March 27, 2015 09:44:20
I owe followers of this blog an apology, an update has been long overdue. Rest assured that I haven't given up on it but rather focusing more attention to my books. However, it is about time I manned up and starting next week I will be updating this blog more often. There is still a load of albums for me to rip into. Here is just a few to come off the top of my head.

Slipknot - 0.5 The Gray Chapter.
Babymetal's Self Titled Debut.
Foo Fighters - Sonic Highways.
Funeral For a Friend - Chapter & Verse.
Eminem - Shady XV.

Amongst others. I need to make more time for trashing musician's hard work. :)

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Concept Art

WritingsPosted by Roadbloc Mon, October 13, 2014 16:47:20
With the release of my next book 'A Momentary Lapse of Reality' imminent, I figured I'd show off some concept art created during the books development. Here lies a collection of doodles by a variety of people (the really shit ones are by me) that helped me envision my vision for the book (if that even makes sense) and aid in the creation of the cover.

Many thanks to:-

Joe Maxwell
Sam Bolton
Kristoff Yeoman

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This October... Reality Lapses

WritingsPosted by Roadbloc Mon, September 01, 2014 13:50:51

It gives me great pleasure to announce the release of my next book... A Momentary Lapse of Reality. It is to be released October of this year. It is about college student Gemma and her chav friend Scrilla who meet a mystery man who claims he is from the future.


More news to follow soon.

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Summer Sale - Vending Machine Lunch

WritingsPosted by Roadbloc Sat, July 19, 2014 10:56:28
Starting today (Saturday 19th of July) and running for five days until Wednesday, the Kindle version of my book Vending Machine Lunch will be FREE.

Go have a look. :)

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