Posted by Roadbloc Mon, December 05, 2016 12:18:35
to be writing from the heart here. Not exactly an easy thing for me to do. I
usually wrap my heart in bubble-wrap and forget it exists. But one thing is for
sure, I cannot continue the way I am doing. I'm actually trembling as I write this. This is a hard post to make.
The first thing to be clear about is don't worry about The Mystery of Robot Planet, my video game project. Progress, albeit slow, is happening, and with continued work there will deffo be something to show from it all in a couple of years time. I will say though, writing a video game is harder than I expected. Much harder than writing a book. I didn't realise how much work is involved when you're the only person working on a video game. I should have, I'm a big fan of video games and have always been developing things on and off, but when you're romanticising an idea in your head it is easy to overlook things. Either way, the development TMORP should not be effected.
The real issue, is that I've been increasingly uncomfortable in my own body. After nearly 24 years of being generally okay with being male and straight, my feelings have done a random u-turn, something I didn't think was really possible. At first I thought I was just getting depressed or something. I'd just come back from a great holiday and once again found myself in my day job that isn't exactly the most thrilling thing on this planet. I figured a couple of weeks back into my sad old routine and I'd be back to normal.
That, regretfully, was not the case.
I found my mind slipping into a constant thought cycle of how shit I thought I was. I hated my appearance all of sudden. I mean, I know I'm not exactly the best looking person ever and I've always been okay with that, I wouldn't want to be Mr Universe, especially not now anyways. But I never actively hated the way I looked, I actually never cared before. Well now it seems I do. I care. I care so much.
Jealousy is an emotion I've never recognise at first. It usually just makes me angry but it takes me a while to figure out it’s actually jealousy's doing. And after a few days I realised why I was getting jealous around girls. It wasn't because I wanted to sleep with them or whatever. I was jealous of their clothes and their make-up. I wanted to look just as great as them. When I figured this out I think I laughed for about ten minutes. A year ago, thinking such things would have been laughable. Hence why I laughed. It wasn't a happy laugh. It was a 'what-the-fuck-is-happening-to-me?' laugh. I didn’t recognise myself anymore and it felt truly awful.
Then there was the attraction to guys. All of a sudden I’d be going weak at the knees (I know right) at the sight of some. Some nights I’d be laughing at the madness of it all. Other nights I’d be crying. Other nights I’d just want to destroy stuff (thank you Doom 4). I’d be hot and then cold. Angry then sad then back to angry again. It was safe to say my head was a mess.
I understand I’m speaking in past tense here, like it is all behind me or something. But it isn’t. It really isn’t. If anything, it has only just started. But one thing is for sure, I cannot live the lie I currently am doing. It is time I admitted my issues to the world.
There is no way I can continue to identify as a guy anymore. Or at least at the moment. Local rumours have been spreading or at least according to one of my mates they have and it isn’t surprising to why (not that I care what they’re saying or thinking). My behaviour as of late has no doubt baffled them who haven’t figured it out yet. Strange bitflipping moods, weird and suggestive facebook posts and the silences/verbal abuse that followed peoples questions. I’m sorry okay. I’m sorry to you all that I’ve berated or confused or whatever. And lied to. I don’t mean it and I really need to stop abusing those close to me in times like this because the reality is I need you all more than ever. Please forgive me.
How long I will be like this is also a mystery. I’m consciously aware that since I’ve recently u-turned, it is theoretically possible that it could happen again. I’m hoping not despite everything. I don’t want to go through this again.
If you read this page and a half of rambling nonsense, thanks I guess and I hope you understand.
TL;DR. I wanna be a girl now. Also I’m bisexual. Get over it.