What has been wrong with me recentlyWritings

Posted by Roadbloc Mon, December 05, 2016 12:18:35

I'm going to be writing from the heart here. Not exactly an easy thing for me to do. I usually wrap my heart in bubble-wrap and forget it exists. But one thing is for sure, I cannot continue the way I am doing. I'm actually trembling as I write this. This is a hard post to make.

The first thing to be clear about is don't worry about The Mystery of Robot Planet, my video game project. Progress, albeit slow, is happening, and with continued work there will deffo be something to show from it all in a couple of years time. I will say though, writing a video game is harder than I expected. Much harder than writing a book. I didn't realise how much work is involved when you're the only person working on a video game. I should have, I'm a big fan of video games and have always been developing things on and off, but when you're romanticising an idea in your head it is easy to overlook things. Either way, the development TMORP should not be effected.

The real issue, is that I've been increasingly uncomfortable in my own body. After nearly 24 years of being generally okay with being male and straight, my feelings have done a random u-turn, something I didn't think was really possible. At first I thought I was just getting depressed or something. I'd just come back from a great holiday and once again found myself in my day job that isn't exactly the most thrilling thing on this planet. I figured a couple of weeks back into my sad old routine and I'd be back to normal.

That, regretfully, was not the case.

I found my mind slipping into a constant thought cycle of how shit I thought I was. I hated my appearance all of sudden. I mean, I know I'm not exactly the best looking person ever and I've always been okay with that, I wouldn't want to be Mr Universe, especially not now anyways. But I never actively hated the way I looked, I actually never cared before. Well now it seems I do. I care. I care so much.

Jealousy is an emotion I've never recognise at first. It usually just makes me angry but it takes me a while to figure out it’s actually jealousy's doing. And after a few days I realised why I was getting jealous around girls. It wasn't because I wanted to sleep with them or whatever. I was jealous of their clothes and their make-up. I wanted to look just as great as them. When I figured this out I think I laughed for about ten minutes. A year ago, thinking such things would have been laughable. Hence why I laughed. It wasn't a happy laugh. It was a 'what-the-fuck-is-happening-to-me?' laugh. I didn’t recognise myself anymore and it felt truly awful.

Then there was the attraction to guys. All of a sudden I’d be going weak at the knees (I know right) at the sight of some. Some nights I’d be laughing at the madness of it all. Other nights I’d be crying. Other nights I’d just want to destroy stuff (thank you Doom 4). I’d be hot and then cold. Angry then sad then back to angry again. It was safe to say my head was a mess.

I understand I’m speaking in past tense here, like it is all behind me or something. But it isn’t. It really isn’t. If anything, it has only just started. But one thing is for sure, I cannot live the lie I currently am doing. It is time I admitted my issues to the world.

There is no way I can continue to identify as a guy anymore. Or at least at the moment. Local rumours have been spreading or at least according to one of my mates they have and it isn’t surprising to why (not that I care what they’re saying or thinking). My behaviour as of late has no doubt baffled them who haven’t figured it out yet. Strange bitflipping moods, weird and suggestive facebook posts and the silences/verbal abuse that followed peoples questions. I’m sorry okay. I’m sorry to you all that I’ve berated or confused or whatever. And lied to. I don’t mean it and I really need to stop abusing those close to me in times like this because the reality is I need you all more than ever. Please forgive me.

How long I will be like this is also a mystery. I’m consciously aware that since I’ve recently u-turned, it is theoretically possible that it could happen again. I’m hoping not despite everything. I don’t want to go through this again.

If you read this page and a half of rambling nonsense, thanks I guess and I hope you understand.

TL;DR. I wanna be a girl now. Also I’m bisexual. Get over it.

Video Game ProjectWritings

Posted by Roadbloc Sat, May 21, 2016 11:38:24

Blog imageAs of today I will be winding down my writing projects to focus on a video game project I've been working on and off on for a while now. I've spent the last six months writing a game engine in my spare time and now I need to make some actual game content for it.

The game is to be an adventure game, sort of a spiritual successor to the 90s point and click adventure games in a gameboy-esske visual style. I'm hoping to have three separate campaigns available to players depending on the choices they make within the game.

Whereas I've written several video games before, they were shit and often badly planned. Or just crazy text adventures that nobody would play. Since I have three books published now and have always wanted to try my hand at video games, I've decided now is the time. I'm going to finally fulfill my dream of making a video game.

Expected release year is 2018. It is going to take a long time to create all the content needed. Coding an engine is just the start of it, now is the time for the creation of art assets, sound and music files and data files for the engine to work on. I'm determined to make it a quality product, even if it does have an old-school vibe to it. At the end of the day, a AAA publisher could shit out what I'm doing in a week probably. But since I'm by myself on this (none of my friends seem interested in helping create it with me which is a shame), it'll take me a while to make. Once again, I'll need patience and determination. And once again, I'll be working pretty much full-time throughout all this.

I'm hoping it'll be good enough to sell on Steam. I'll probably have to put it through Greenlight where the rest of the games nobody asked for belong. I'll make it cheap though, I think £3-£5 is a reasonable price, especially if the three separate campaigns idea works out. We'll see.

The engine is pretty much complete although some features will be fleshed out and expanded upon. If you want to see a playable demo I created, click here. It is a short campaign demonstrating the engine features and player mechanics and is comprised of twelve maps. Make sure you read the thread first though. :)

PEACE OUT!Blog image

Deftones - GoreMoanings

Posted by Roadbloc Mon, April 18, 2016 12:55:01

Blog imageI like Deftones. Well, most of the time. They have a horrible habit of doing amazing things in some albums (Adrenaline, Around the Fur, White Pony, Diamond Eyes, Koi No Yokan) and then in others they seems to just give up and play some shit that’s just plain painful to listen to (I'm looking at you Saturday Night Wrist and that God awful self-titled album). Anyway, they've done a new album called Gore and I'm now going to decide which category this album falls under.

Absolutely the shit category. There, that didn't take me long. And believe me, I do not state this with joy. After the joys of Diamond Eyes and Koi No Yokan I was hoping these guys were back on track after their two-album wobble. This is not the case.

Put simply, Gore is the worst Deftones album yet. The most painful to listen to of them all. Guitars blindly screech and wail for forty-eight merciless minutes as Chino Moreno moans and screams hollowly over the top. Mostly slow, dissonant and without structure, this album truly is the aural equivalent of drowning in tar. The only song worthy of praise has to be Doomed User, which takes us back to the You've Seen The Butcher vibe but without the kickass chorus. Or kickass verse for that matter. Geometric Headdress has some decent moments, but is overall lacking in substance just like the rest of the album.

Gore is without energy. It is without power. It is without the crunch. Without the umph, the get-up-and-go and the sheer unstoppable sound that made me like Deftones. Gore is just loud. And turning up the volume on shit like this is just announcing you're shit to the whole world.

If, by any chance, you're a terrorist interrogator for a government funded military prison or whatever, you may want to consider purchasing a copy of Gore for torture purposes. It would save on water and would probably turn out better results. I want to know what happened to Deftones between Koi No Yokan and this disc full of dredge they call music. Did their balls drop off or something? Did they forget how to play their instruments? When listening to this before it was mastered and burned to disc, were they happy with what they had produced? I certainly wouldn't be.

If you're new to Deftones and want a decent album that really shows their best, get a copy of Around The Fur. Don't buy or listen to this trash. And shape up Deftones for the fucks sake, it's not good when the best thing on your album is the damn cover. I was really looking forward to Gore and you guys have left me frustrated and angry. Just like my last hooker. Dicks.

An open letter to BEAMDOG (Baldur's Gate)Rantings

Posted by Roadbloc Mon, April 11, 2016 10:09:25


I love Baldur's Gate. My cousin and I play the multiplayer extensively. However, recently, the developers who go by the name of Beamdog have simultaneously updated and ruined this 18 year old classic. So this is an open letter to those employed there.



The Qemists - Warrior SoundMoanings

Posted by Roadbloc Tue, April 05, 2016 11:09:05

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The Qemists jumped into the world on top form. Their first album, Join The Q, was pure audio gold with its perfect blend of electronic and rock, all topped off with fantastic guest singers. However, when it came to their second album, Spirit In The System, things were pretty much the opposite. They had fallen on their own hurdles, creating forty-three minutes of audio garbage. It was amazing to see a group that had come out swinging so strong to crumble and create an album that was on the verge of being both boring and painful to listen to.

Just for clarity, The Qemists are an electronic rock group, their music being close to that of The Prodigy or Pendulum. But better. And more exciting. If you listen to their first album that is. Seriously, stop reading this shit review and listen to Join The Q if you haven't already. You owe it to yourself.

Anyway, I was certain the group was a trio, at least originally anyway, but now looking at their Wikipedia page, they have five members with one member behind them already. And a new album! It's called Warrior Sound and I really do hope they've done a good job.

Well, they have. Warrior Sound is instantly better than Spirit In The System. After a short spoken word intro with some music stuff going on in the background, we get kicked straight into Jungle, a track that defiantly sets the scene for what you're in for in the rest of the album. Drum and bassy, fast, loud guitars and rebellious and defiant lyrics. Gone is the electronic padding and faff of Spirit In The System, introduce yourself to neck-snapping beats, riffs and lyrics. And make sure you get acquainted good because they're not going away. Overall the album feels much more alive than Spirit In The System, it feels more dangerous, insurgent even. As much as it is a gift to society, it's also a middle finger riding into the sunset well over the speed limit.

Warrior Sound doesn't begin to unravel until you start comparing it to Join The Q. Surprisingly, they're not similar albums. If I was to describe the albums in colours, Warrior Sound would get a neon blue or green. Join The Q however would get every neon colour in the spectrum. And that's because Join The Q is simply much more musically colourful. There is a lot more variety. Every song sounds different and stands up on its own merits. In Warrior Sound however, every song begins to sound the same. After a few listens I wasn't even realising when tracks changed, the songs seemingly bleed into one another, not because they do, but because they sound so similar. Sure, there is a shot of adrenaline in Warrior Sound that seems to be missing from a few of the tracks in Join The Q, but it has less substance, an overall thinner sound. More umph, but less smoke blow into your face on take off. Honestly, when compared to Join The Q, Warrior Sound seems… disappointing.

But when compared to Spirit In The System, it’s a definite improvement, without a doubt. It's just a shame they weren’t able to top Join The Q, a task that is looking increasingly difficult for the band to pull off. Either way, Warrior Sound is undoubtedly a step in the right direction. Hopefully next time lads, you can pull it off. Whatever you do, don't let your label fuck you up. Don't let them run you. Don't let them run you. Don't let them run you. Don't let them run you.

Rest assured, Warrior Sound gets a place in my music collection. It's a good album. Verging on brilliant at times. I recommend.

Kanye West - The Life of PabloMoanings

Posted by Roadbloc Wed, March 02, 2016 12:13:31

Blog image"I know, I know, I shouldn't even bother with these gossiping, no-pussy getting bloggers."

Let's face it Kanye, without these gossiping, no-pussy getting bloggers, you wouldn't really be famous. 'Yeezus' had me confused, wondering if it was the work of genius or the work of a talentless attention whore. 'The Life of Pablo' answers this question and it is definitely the latter. Disjointed, dysfunctional, depressing are just three words beginning with D that I'd use to describe this album. It is slightly impressive Kanye seems to change his style with nearly every album, and the church choir theme has some interesting moments. But they are only that, mere moments. Kanye spouts his verbal garbage, lyrics only intended to shock, insult and commend himself literally the entire album. Unlike 'Yeezus' which seemed fresh and exciting, 'TLOP' is dull dull boring dull dull garbage shit dull. And just take a look at that cover. What the actual fuck? Look at it! I've seen two year old's finger paint with feces with more talent!

Which just pretty much proves it is not about the music anymore. How could it be? He releases it exclusivity on an unknown corner of the internet and expects people not to pirate it? Comes out with garbage on how he's millions in debt, Mark Suckerberg should bail him out and how he's going to sue Pirate Bay because the exclusive deal flopped? And now he's posting screenshots of his laptop with Pirate Bay tabs open? This is nothing but bait for the gossiping, no-pussy getting bloggers dickhead, the very thing that keeps you a talking point in the eyes of the public.

Why doesn't Taylor Swift just shit on this guy's head whilst he sleeps? I'm sure it's tempting to her, but honestly, she's doing the right thing right now and that is NOTHING. She is seemingly ignoring him. And that is the only way we can get rid of Kanye, his crap music and his asinine statements. Because its the gossiping. no-pussy getting bloggers like me that ignites discussion. And now he's throwing the very people that define his career under the coals.

I don't believe Kanye on any of his claims and I think everything he has done surrounding and in the album has been nothing but an attempt to receive attention, no matter what. And that is why I will not be reviewing any of his albums again, it is not about the music but the hype and the hastags. And I don't want to be part of the making of his career, discussing controversy over things he says in his so-called music. He's full of shit, sometimes by his own admission. And if he told me the sky was blue, I'd take a look out the window to fucking double check.

UPDATE:- It appears Kanye has updated Life of Pablo, making changes to songs post-release. Well done dillweed, you’ve made the first ever Early Access album. I did wonder why a lot of the music appeared to be missing from the tracks.

One Brain Cell + Website 3.0Writings

Posted by Roadbloc Tue, February 16, 2016 19:12:10

Blog imageA few announcements. First, my next book, ONE BRAIN CELL is now available for pre-order. Digital copies as always are 69p (99c) and it is to be released on many many ebook services (pretty much them all except Google Books) on the 31st of March 2016. Physical copies are in the works and hopefully will be available the same day.

Second announcement; the third redesign of my website is now live. It sports a much more simple and better looking design. I'd say check it out, but honestly, it isn't much.

Finally its been a while since I've updated my blog. Been quite busy writing One Brain Cell recently, however I have a few albums in mind I can rant about next. Watch this space. :)

JME - IntegrityMoanings

Posted by Roadbloc Wed, September 09, 2015 09:24:44

Blog image

Lawl. JME. If there is anyone who is 'serious' about the grime scene, it's apparently him. Forever in the shadow of his brother Skepta, this member of Boy Better Know did a decent debut effort called 'Famous?' and then a follow up piece of trash called 'Blam!' where he just used his microphone to big himself up without actually having proven himself first. It came across as weak and big headed.

Anyway, it turns out this very serious Nigerian with a degree, an older brother and a habit of running his mouth on his songs has done another album, this time called 'Integrity,' a word I'm not sure that JME understands. And God help my ears because I'm going to try and review it.

'Pulse 8' is the first track. And it is here we clearly hear a return of JME's junior school production style. Samples most likely just taken straight from free sound libraries or the junk that comes with DAW software are prominent just like in his previous albums. There is a certain slight improvement in his production, an added shine and extra depth in his music, but not much. I bet JME learned how to make music on that Nintendo GameBoy Camera. Not that there is anything wrong with it, I did the exactly the same. I just moved on to Pro-Tools when I went to college. It sounds like JME stuck to Fruity Loops. It's rare I even mention what they may have learned from in the past since it rarely matters, but it is still clear in JME's music. I don't think he's even ready to make music yet, but oh well, this is the product of a digital age just like me and I doubt I'm even ready to write a serious review yet.

"One take!" JME boasts proudly at the end of '96 F**kries' (should it be 96 Fuckries?), after a nearly full first verse of rhyming 'E' with 'E' and the rest of the song boasting about…um… how he doesn't own a BlackBerry and other random stuff that has little relevance. This is encroaching upon 'Blam!' territory once again, the shameless bigging up without any substance to prove any worth. One fucking take? Doesn't mean shit. Limp Bizkit recorded the song 'Stuck' on their first album in one take. And that's Limp Bizkit. Do you want to be on a par with Fred Durst, JME?

Now 'Work' is an interesting song. If you're a jobless benefit scrounger with ten kids that is. I feel insulted being handed these petty bars, these petty junior school lessons he's teaching me, all based on what HE'S done and what I (or 'you') supposedly haven't done. It's the fucking 4th track and I'm already getting annoyed with this three letter'd prick. The sheer audacity of his rhymes and claims makes me want to kill some kittens, which is not a normal reaction when listening to music.

Next up a lesson on how to fucking drive on the road. Because, you know, JME is obviously better than everyone because he's made mistakes before and blah blah blah blah blah blah. Integrity? Bigheaditry more like. I've listened to three fucking albums off this guy now and each one his pissed me off more and more. I can't abide him.

So I stopped. For the second time ever I stopped listening halfway through an album. JME's 'Integrity' may get better after track five but I'll never know because I've had it with listening to this smug prick's common sense life-lessons being spoken over some beat that he cobbled together in a morning. I'm not doing it anymore. I've fucking integrity.

Fuck JME. Fuck serious. Fuck Boy Better Know. Fuck your hired out German whips. Noticed you didn't put that lousy song on the CD.